


How I Met Your Father

by Carmino (orphan_account)



Series: How I Met Your Father [2]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Based on How I Met Your Mother, Coming of Age, Developing Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Peter-centric, Sexuality Crisis, Slice of Life, Spideypool is endgame, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 04:00:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1040093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Carmino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade's story is completely untrue and Peter must retell it. A continuation/correction to Wade's tall tale version of the How I Met Your Father story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How I Met Your Father

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I started this when I've barely begun my other fic and hardly planned much of this one. This just flowed out of me today, so I thought I might as well post it. Because this is the meat of the series, I'm calling Wade's very false version of this story the prequel and giving this one the rightful title. Updates may be slower, as I'm considering this fic second priority.
> 
> It's also going to take some time for Wade to come in. This story is very Peter-centric. 
> 
> Italics is Peter speaking. Italics with brackets is Wade's commentary.

_Kids, I want you to forget everything your father told you this evening. He is a liar and he's out to defame me for his own selfish purpose. None of what he said is true. But if you want to know the truth, sit down and listen good, because this is the_ real _story of how I met your father._

 _[I am_ not _a liar!]_

_Shut up, Wade._

_It all started – stop pouting! - it all started fifteen years ago, before you kids were born. At that time, I was a college sophomore at Empire State University concentrating in pre-dentistry with a minor in photography. I had an internship at the Daily Bugle, taking pictures of Spider-Man for Old Man Jameson. I had a little apartment in East Harlem that I shared with your Uncle Flash, my high school bully and friend. I had a beautiful girlfriend, your Aunt Mary Jane, whom I'd been dating for almost a year._

_It was around the time of Thanksgiving that I came to realize something life-changing about myself. As a coming-of-age young adult, I didn't know what to do, so I did the only thing that came to mind – I told Mary Jane..._

“So, uh... I think I'm gay.”

Half-immersed in her Calculus homework and not really listening, Mary Jane only furrowed her eyebrows as she chewed the pen cap in concentration. “Yeah?” she mumbled as she wrote down an answer.

“I think it's pretty serious,” Peter whispered again, picking at the edge of his shirt. “I think we should talk about this. Shouldn't we talk about this? It's pretty serious.”

At the word 'serious,' she perked up. “What is it?”

“That I'm gay,” he repeated.

“You're _what?”_ she shouted in disbelief.

Immediately, they fell under the scrutinizing eyes of a dozen surrounding library-going students, and one librarian who loudly shushed them. They gave everyone apologetic looks before quickly returning to the shocking subject at hand.

“Peter, is this a joke?” Mary Jane asked. “'Cause it's not funny.”

“No, I really – and I mean _really_ – think I'm gay,” he replied.

She gave him a hard look, clasped his face in her fingerless-gloved hands, and stared hard into his eyes. “Peter...” she said slowly. “We're dating.”

“I know, that why I came to you, MJ,” he said as if that was obvious, prying her hands off. “I thought maybe you could help me out with this, because you're beautiful and you're my girlfriend-slash-best-friend. Plus, you have the most common sense out of anyone I know.”

Her lips twitched with a blushing smile at his compliment before reality hit her hard.

“Okay, fine. I think you're being completely ridiculous, but I'll go along with you,” she muttered with a small chuckle. “How long?”

“I don't know. I think I just gradually became gayer and gayer over time... It's hard to explain, it was like a progressive thing-”

“No, no, no,” she interrupted. “How long _have you known_?”

“Um.” His forehead wrinkled. “Last night?”

“Did you cheat on me with Flash?!” she hissed angrily, leaning forward.

“What? _No!_ ” Peter cried out of surprise.

A round of glares and shushing again. Peter apologized for both of them as Mary Jane sank back into her chair.

_Looking back, I was amazed at how well she took it. To be fair she might have taken it as a joke at first. I don't blame her. It's not every day that your boyfriend tells you he's gay-_

_[_ I _tell you that every day, Peter!]_

_Wade, no, and sit back down._

_And looking back again, I definitely did not think it through beforehand when I told her._

One furious text to Flash later, Mary Jane had her textbooks and notebooks packed, looking very upset.

“Look, I swear-”

She held up a finger to silence him.

“-I didn't-”

“No.”

“...sleep with Flash,” Peter concluded.

She glared at him hard. Her phone vibrated in her hand. She read the newly received text, stared silently at it for a good moment, and looked up with relief. “He said no,” she muttered. “' _L-O-L_ no.' So he's probably telling the truth.” The phone vibrated again. She read the second message, and sighed.

“What is it?” Peter asked curiously.

“He's asking if you're gay.”

_A second later, I got the same text message. That was how I came out to your Uncle Flash. He was surprisingly cool with it; he even congratulated me, saying that he'd “known since I was a prissy nerd in high school” and was “wondering when I'd come around to it.”_

“I actually don't know, babe, it just... _hit_ me last night. All of it at once, like pieces of a puzzle I've been trying to put together,” he tried to explain as he followed Mary Jane down the hall, feeling the rock at the bottom of his stomach getting heavier and drilling a fucking hole through his intestines for every moment that she wasn't looking at him. “Those- those weird feelings I had for that really hot student teacher in high school English... My anxiety in the locker room during gym class for four years. And... my lack of attractions towards girls...”

“Peter.”

They stopped just after stepping out the library door.

“Yes?”

“We've had sex,” Mary Jane pointed out.

“We did, but that's not the point,” he argued. “That was... That was friction! I'm talking about attractions - _romantic_ attractions-” He stopped himself short.

A pause.

_From the look on her face alone, I knew that I'd said something I shouldn't have._

“So what you're saying is... you don't love me?”

His heart sank. “I...”

“What about Gwen then? You _loved_ her,” Mary Jane pointed out bitterly. “You were _in love_ with her!”

_I had hurt her. She was near the point of tears. She was biting her lips, a nervous habit she'd always had. Her voice was cracking. I should've stopped right then and there, but I went on anyway, probably under the false pretense that maybe the more I talk, the better I could make it._

“But I do love you! I... I loved Gwen too. A lot. It's just that the feelings I've had for you and her? They weren't... _aren't_ the kind of love I thought they are,” he explained desperately. “But I wasn't pretending or anything, I never lied to you. It's just that now I realized that I haven't been loving you the way I should.”

“Peter,” Mary Jane said with a shaky laugh, “if you're trying to break up with me, there are _better_ ways-”

“I'm not trying to break up with you! I don't _want_ to break up with you,” he cut in, getting increasingly frustrated and tearing up. “We're not talking about breaking up here, Mary Jane, we're talking about me and how I'm finding this part of myself that I'm utterly _confused_ about! An-and-”

Out of breath, he took a moment to gather himself under Mary Jane's pained, waiting gaze.

“...I'm confused, and getting angry because _you're_ angry with _me_ , a-and I don't know _what_ to tell Aunt May or how to deal when it's all hitting me _really_ hard over the head all too quickly!” he shouted, his voice rising. “And I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, and maybe I shouldn't have told you! But I'm _scared_ and I thought that you would help-”

She hugged him.

Surprised, he hesitantly buried his face into her shoulder and relaxed into the embrace. Then he wrapped his arms around her tightly, and let it out.

“I really do love you, but I'm gay,” he whimpered in mid-sob after a minute. “I'm sorry.”

“Hey, it's okay, it's okay...” she murmured back, soothing him with pats. “If that's what you're sure of, who am I to tell you, right?”

The sky was getting dark. They stood by the library doorway, amidst passersby giving them strange looks, for who-knows-how-long. Slowly, they let go of each other.

Mary Jane waited politely as Peter wiped the tears away and composed himself.

They stood again in silence.

“So, I guess we- this-” She gestured between them. “-is over.”

His eyes flickered up to her face, and then down toward the ground in shame. “Yeah... I guess so.”

“Okay,” she muttered with a small flash of an all-too-fake smile.

“I better... I better get back home,” Peter said, clearing his throat. “It's late.”

“Yeah, me too,” she said.

“Want me to walk you?”

“No! No... It's fine.”

He nodded, scratched the back of his neck out of a nervous habit, and mumbled a goodbye at her.

“Peter,” Mary Jane called out just as he began leaving. He turned around. “I'm glad you told me, okay? I'm... I'm proud of you. I really am. Just... Don't be afraid to talk to me if you need to? I'm still here... I'll always be here.” She smiled warmly at him. And looking into his best friend's eyes, seeing everything genuine and good in them, he smiled back. “Okay.” She waved. “Bye now.”

_Kids, your Aunt Mary Jane is an amazing woman. Don't ever let your father tell you otherwise._

_[I didn't know that happened, I just knew that she dated you! What_ else _was I suppose to think?]_

_Your Uncle Flash was a different story. As you kids know, he was my high school bully who became one of my best friends as our teen years went on, out of his idolization for his anti-bullying hero, Spider-Man. Even rooming with me at the time, he didn't know I was Spider-Man. I kept that secret so well-guarded after Gwen Stacy's death that nobody did. But that's a story for later._

_When I went home after coming out to your Uncle Flash via text message, he was nothing but supportive, which was surprising, considering that I was expecting all kinds of slurs from him. He comforted me when I told him about me and Mary Jane. He swore that everything was going to be just fine. He even offered to introduce me to one of his gay classmates from his Cinema Studies class, an offer that I had to politely decline several times throughout the evening._

_In fact, he was so supportive that he took me to a gay club against my will._

The music pounded the dance floor, as in, Peter could literally feel the ground quaking under the soles of his sneakers as he walked in. He was severely wrongly-dressed in a sweatshirt and faded jeans, inside a large room full of sweaty, half-naked men, some of whom were dancing in thongs. At least he was standing next to Flash, who wore a white t-shirt with blue jeans in a way that screamed “DOUCHEBAG!!” Except that Flash looked way happier than him for some terrible reason.

“See 'em over there?!” Flash screamed into his ear over the music, pointing at a couple of sexily-dressed girls by the bar. “Fag hags!”

“What?!” he screamed back.

“It's not an offensive term!” Flash screamed. “It just means that they're best friends with gay dudes!”

_Kids, 'fag hag' is an offensive term._

“Are you trying to pick up chicks in a _gay_ club?!” Peter asked.

“Sickest idea, right?!” his friend crowed, pounding him on the chest. “I've been wanting to go to a gay club for a long time to try it out! Never found an excuse until now!”

_Kids, don't ever go to a gay club to pick up straight girls._

“That's a terrible idea!” Peter shouted at him.

“Would never know until I try!” Flash answered. Then he nudged a stranger next to them. “Hey, you!” he said, pointing at Peter when the man turned around. “Have you met my friend?! His name Peter and he's newly gay! You should buy him a drink!” And just like that, he left.

_Kids, your Uncle Flash was, is, and always will be a horrible person._

“Hey there...” the stranger, who wore skinny jeans and a shirt that showed off his hairy chest, said. “Peter, right? Can I buy you a drink?”

“Y-Yeah sure,” Peter replied, too polite to refuse. The stranger went over to the bar, came back with two martinis, and handed one to him. “Thanks.”

“So I've never seen you around here before,” the stranger continued. “Your friend said you're new?”

“No, I've lived in New York for most of my life,” he answered.

“I mean out of the closet.”

“Oh. I guess so. I came out today. Newly. A new gay,” he stuttered before awkwardly sipping the drink.

The stranger looked him up and down. “I can tell.”

“So then why did you ask?” It was a genuine question, but it must've had come out wrong, because the stranger snatched the martini out of Peter's hand.

“Could've just told me you're not interested,” he snapped, stomping off.

Out the corner of Peter's eyes, he saw one of the girls by the bar throwing her drink at Flash's face and the other punching him in the guts.

_They were lesbians._

“This gay club sucks!” Flash announced on his way over, massaging his abs and receiving a few nasty looks. “You got any luck, Parker?”

Peter sighed. “No.”

“Oh, that's too bad. Was he not hot?” he asked. “Sorry dude, I can't tell what's hot in gay standards, but he looked pretty gay so I thought-”

“Another word out of your mouth, and I'll punch you in the face,” Peter threatened.

“Dude, dude...” Flash held up his hands. “I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you.”

“It's been a _long_ day for me, Eugene,” he said, still mad. “In case it slipped your mind, I just came out to _and_ broke up with my girlfriend. And I'm not going to be over it just because I'm gay now, it doesn't work like that. I need time to get over Mary Jane. I need time to think, I need time to figure what it would mean for us. I need time to figure _myself_ out. And I have _no_ want whatsoever right now to be trying to hook up with some guy at a gay- ...club...”

_And that was when I saw him._

“Dude...”

_The moment he walked into the club, I was starstruck. Everyone turned to him like sunflowers to the sun. He had a head of gold, the body of a demi-god, and a smile that made me forget anything that ever existed. He was the most perfect man I have ever seen, and I fell in love instantly._

_[Aha! That's me!]_

“Holy shit! He's gay? Holy fuck, put me down as bi-curious,” Flash muttered.

“...He's way out of my league,” Peter muttered, turning away. “And yours too.” He added when Flash wasn't. “C'mon, we should at least get something to drink before we leave. Bartender, can I have, um...” He stared at the menu as if it was written in Japanese. “Two of those really fruity-sounding...”

Unbeknownst to him, Flash had wandered off.

_To this day, I still don't know what he's done, but the next thing I knew, he was getting kicked out of the club._

“Flash!” Peter shouted, heading over to the club entrance where a small crowd was gathering. The bouncers were wrestling with Flash, who was kicking the air as they tried to throw him out the door. “Shit! Excuse me, excuse me,” he said, trying to push himself out front, only to reach there just in time to witness one of the bouncers hurling his friend out by the legs.

“Hey!” he cried angrily.

“You know the that asshole?” the bouncer asked menacingly.

“That was my friend! What did he do?!” he demanded.

“Friend?” the other bouncer growled. They shared a look.

_Like I said, I have no idea what Flash did._

“Get out!” they barked.

“What?!”

A powerful, muscular arm reached past his head and grabbed him by the back of his collar. It lifted him almost a foot off the ground before his spider instinct kicked in; he swung his legs around his assaulter's waist, twisted his torso, and floored the man in two seconds flat.

“What the fuck!” the other bouncer exclaimed. Peter saw his fist flying in for his face a split second later.

Grabbed his arm. Twisted. And body slammed. The second bouncer screamed in pain as he was downed.

“Sorry, but you shouldn't have attacked me!” he said, as they picked themselves up off the floor, groaning. One of them fumbled with a radio, about to call the cops when-

“Hey,” a deep smooth voice came from behind him. He turned around, and his heart leaped as an arm slung around his shoulders. “He's with me.”

The bouncers looked from the speaker to Peter skeptically, but eventually backed off. “Our apologies, sir. We didn't know.”

“Apologies accepted. As long as we get discounted drink!” he said, shooting them a smug look. “Is that a yes, or should I have a word with the owner?”

_[...That sounds nothing like me.]_

“Absolutely sir! We'll note it to the bartender,” they promised.

Peter shot him a grateful smile.

“That was some impressive moves there. Want to grab a drink? It's on me.”

_[What? That never happened! When was that?]_

“Sure!” Peter held out a hand. “The name's Peter Parker.” They shook.

_[Who is this guy?!]_

“I'm-”

“I know who you are!” Peter interrupted, a blush spreading over his face. “I see you in the news sometimes.”

“...The Human Torch,” he finished with a charmingly narcissistic grin.

“Like I said, I know.”

_And that, kids, was how I met your Uncle Johnny._

_[You dated Johnny Storm?!]_


End file.
